Here’s how every interview with every athlete in the history of sports should go:

Sports Reporter: “Heck of a game/match/race! How did you win that game/race/match?”

Athlete: “Well, I was born with a certain genetic potential for this. I worked really, really, really hard and sweated and bled every single day of my whole life to become great. Look at me– I have the brain of a 9 year old. I gave up everything. Today I somehow had enough strength and luck to beat my opponent, who has struggled just as hard. How do you think I did it, asshole? …Hi, Mom!”

Ah, sports reporting.

We are drowning in commentary. Nothing is left to speak for itself. We gotta know what everybody’s doing and how they’re doing it. We gotta get behind the scenes! And most of the time, the secret is very boring: the people who do good work just work really $%&*! hard.

DVDs come with “14 HOURS of extra bonus features!” and commentary tracks. 97% of it is pure, old-fashioned marketing horse shit. (where else in life would you ever hear the word “bonus?”) The rest– the earnest 3%– still tends to be vicarious for the audience, and self-congratulatory for the artists. Hey, how did you make that there movie? As if there were an answer that could be imparted in ninety minutes.

Hi, I’m the director. Welcome to my contractually obligated commentary track. When all the other kids were out playing, I was putting on plays and reading Russian film theory. I poured everything I had into this project for eight years and went broke and got a divorce and my children don’t remember who I am, but the movie came out pretty good thanks to my incredible genius. (until the studio hired a passionless hack to re-cut it with a happy ending, on the recommendation of an out-of-work focus group). Do all that and you can make one too. Oh, and also you’ll need $27 million. ¡Via con dios!

Still, it’s endlessly fascinating to find out how things are made and what artists are thinking. And context really does matter. (Was that play performed under threat of a blacklist? When you yelled, “Screw The Man!” were you in the elevator with your boss, or alone in your car?) But that’s a whole separate exercise from appreciating the work itself.

Beethoven was pretty much deaf when he composed his 9th symphony. But knowing this incredible fact has absolutely zero effect on the way that orgasmic climax in the fourth movement hits your brain stem. When you’re making ze love, you’re not thinking about ze organic chemistry that makes it possible. And if the experience of one of the greatest works of art in history is not enhanced by its own amazing behind-the-scenes story, how much worse is it to endure the commentary on all our lesser little “gems?” Is our commentary just a crutch for weak work?

“Did you like my movie?”

“No, it was pretty bad. It didn’t move me.”

“But I made it under difficult circumstances! My car broke down and it was raining and I ran up my credit card debt! And you probably didn’t notice, because it isn’t communicated in the film, but it’s a witty critique on the injustice of our modern society. Plus, look how cool I dress.”

“Ah! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

…uncomfortable silence…

“So, now do you like it?”

Which brings us to my new Production Log! It won’t make the cartoons better. It’s already boring you half to death. Laurie Anderson said, “writing about music is like dancing about architecture.” Which would make writing about animation like, uh, miming about… needlepoint… And yet we persist!

Anyway, even when you’re small potatoes you have to make an effort to take this stuff a little seriously. Having a place to post progress reports and angry thoughts might help me keep things moving, production-wise. And I like the idea of having a record of all this to look back on.

The real question is, why do it in public? For attention? Does everything have to boil down to marketing horse shit? Yes it does. Could anything be more self-indulgent than a windy rant on “commentary” from an amateur animator? You want a peek into the creative soul of another cartoonist? Really?? Well, here we go!

Welcome to my contractually obligated Production Log, friend! Come back often! More pictures, fewer words next time. ¡Via con dios!