CHRIS HARDING

American animator and cartoonist
1973–?

 

BIOLOGY

MAPFig.1) Regions Where Chris Harding Thrives

Chris Harding is from the desert, and is most comfortable in temperatures ranging from 85-115º Fahrenheit (29.5-46º Centigrade)

He is cold-blooded— not in the sociopathic sense, but in the sense that, like a reptile, he cannot generate his own body heat. Each morning he must lie on a hot rock, absorbing solar energy for several hours before he can participate in society.

MAPFig.2) Relative Size of Chris Harding

Chris Harding consumes four times his own weight daily. He subsists on a diet of caffeine, caffeine, meat, and cereal.

He can grow to heights of 6'3" (190 cm) and weigh upwards of 2000 pounds (909.1 kg).

 

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Nobody pays money for short animated films. They are a trivial wart on the ass of the human storytelling tradition. How does Chris Harding make a living?
A: Marble quarry.

Q: What software does Chris Harding use?
A: A good question! Finding the right combination of computer programs is central to telling a compelling story. The subjects of film, music, design, color theory, figure drawing, theater, poetry, history, science, and fiction-writing are dangerous distractions. Avoid the temptation to study them.

Q: How old is Chris Harding? Does he have a family? Is he a handsome devil?
A: The answers to these and other trivia questions are "Yes ," "-14," and "The Battle of Lexington."

Q: How long does it take to make a cartoon?
A: It seems to take a very long time. It is a horrible, tedious process. Do not try it. I beg you.

Q: How do you get ideas for stories?
A: Easy! There is a simple formula, originally worked out by physicist Richard Feynman:

(Notice how exciting the climax gets as T approaches 8MeV!)

 

 

 

QUALITIES CHRIS HARDING HAS IN COMMON
WITH THE GRIZZLY BEAR


Bear 1. Chris Harding hibernates through the winter.

2. If you feed Chris Harding, he may become a nuisance.

3. Do not come between Chris Harding and his young.

4. Chris Harding shits in the woods.*

5. It has been demonstrated that for a small bribe (a biscuit, some health insurance...) Chris Harding can be made to perform humiliating acts that are against his nature.

6. If Chris Harding ever develops a taste for human flesh, they will have to put him down.

7. Chris Harding hunts alone.

 

 

 

Footnotes:
* You are probably already familiar with the common phrase, “Does Chris Harding shit in the woods?” often employed to answer playfully in the affirmative.
Use of the phrase “Does Chris Harding shit in the woods?” in conversation:
EXAMPLE 1 :
Children at birthday party

Billy: “Sally, would you like another piece of cake?”
Sally: “Does Chris Harding shit in the woods?”
Billy: “And how! Here you go, sweet-cheeks.”

 

EXAMPLE 2:
Telephone call between animator and a executive
(executive has animator on speakerphone)


Executive: “Our numbers are in the toilet! Could the public be hungry for something besides the same old pabulum?”
Animator: “Does Chris Harding shit in the woods?”
Executive: “….Huh??”
Animator: “That means yes.”
Executive: “OK, Let's throw in a monkey side-kick. And have the elephant do a rap! Kids love that! We'll run it by the focus group on Friday so I’ll have some graphs and figures to back me up and I won’t have to be responsible for making a judgment.”
Animator: “.........”
Executive: “Hello?”
Animator: “…I’m thinking of killing myself.”
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